We Have Moved!

In an effort to centralize things, we're combining all the blogs in to One Family Blog. You can now find us at:

http://snoreswhenasleep.blogspot.com/

Hope you'll follow us over there!


Shannon H.

In Honor of Birthday Number 5

This was the very first post I ever made on my blog - and in honor of Eli's birthday every year, I repost it. I cannot believe it has been five years since The Boy was born. The blue-eyed baby is now a brown-eyed boy. He still loves Cars. He is never quiet. He asks questions and wants to know everything. Eli sings and laughs and tells jokes and is even beginning to read. And he's beyond excited to be starting Kindergarten in August. Time flies - one minute you're in the hospital wondering just what to expect and the next minute you're going through your days wondering just how bored you must have been Before. I love him with all my heart and I'm blessed to be his Mommy. Happy Birthday Monkey Boy.

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Do you believe in second chances? At one time, I just wasn't so sure. I thought I had life all figured out. I knew who I was and what I wanted, and I was well on my way to what I had always dreamed of. What did I need a second chance for, anyway?

But sometimes? Well, sometimes life just happens. You aren't expecting it. You have all these plans. You know that this plus this will equal that and that is what you feel will bring fulfillment. Yet, then ~ then life takes a turn. And you find yourself in a situation you never imagined ~ one you could never have dreamed. And this event? It changes who you are, what you value, and what you hold dear.

Life for me began with the birth of my son ~ an event that came with joy, with heartache, with trials, and with several ups and downs that we personally never saw coming. But isn't that how life works?

Eli was born June 8th, 2004 via c-section at 2:27 a.m. after my laboring for forty forevers I swear. He had traumatic birth injuries, which included a battered and bruised up head and a broken nose. That dream I had just weeks before where Eli told me he was stuck? By gosh he sure was.

He wasn't exactly that little pink bundle of baby that some are, but he was ours, and we were smitten. David especially. His first child ~ his son. All those insecurities he had about being a father? Went straight out the window the first time he held him. It was as though David had been a father all his life, so easily did he take up the role.

It wasn't all happily-ever-after just yet for my family, though. We did not do the stay a few nights, put on the going-home outfit, take tons of pictures, and then go home. I have no clue what my son wore home, and there are no pictures of that event. There were so many things that I missed ~ so many firsts I never had with my baby. For instead of doing all things mommy, I was full-force into the greatest challenge I have ever faced ~ and hope I never face the likes of which again.

I stared death in the face Friday, June 11th, 2004. That night, my heart rate registered close to 200. My oxygen level dropped to a registered 40. With my husband on my left pleading me to breathe, a nurse on my right staring at the numbers on the machine not really knowing just what to do, and my mother standing in the corner holding my son who cringed with each cry I had in pain, I left myself for a brief moment. I stood there looking in from the doorway. I saw it all happening before me. It was odd, me standing there, but I only had one thought: "God don't take me yet. Please." My intentions were purely selfish ~ I knew my husband needed me to help raise our son.

I was transferred to ICU that night, where I would remain for nearly a week. I would sit in my ICU room, waiting for the brief ten-minute sessions my husband could come visit every two hours. I did not speak much. I never asked of my son. Truth be told, I rarely gave him a second thought. I had no idea what my baby looked like, who was taking care of him, where he was ~ nothing. I only knew that the doctors really had no clue what was wrong with me. And that I would give anything for something to drink ~ more specifically grape juice or a coke from Sonic. I went for nearly two weeks with nothing by mouth. Nothing meant I could not swallow ice chips. I could not brush my teeth. Eating was out of the question. Yet, every single thought was clouded by just how much I wished for an ice-cold glass of grape juice. My husband would come, sit, hold my hand & tell me of how he wished we could trade places ~ of how sorry he was I was experiencing this. And I would stare at him thinking "well by God if I was standing here visiting you, I would leave after my ten minutes and go sit out in the waiting room drinking me a huge glass of grape juice. Then I would go to Sonic and get that Coke. And I would drink the entire time I was out there". That, my friends, is what I was consumed with.

Guilt? Yes, I still to this day have the guilt. I wonder how I could possibly care so much for grape juice and not give one lick about my son and his well being.

What I have come understand? I couldn't let myself care. I did not want to see my son. I did not want to see that face - to hold him - if he was going to be taken away again. It was too much hurt to let myself get close only to know that it wouldn't last.

Meanwhile, I was in a daily fight against something unknown. My doctors had test after test after test performed, never really finding an answer. Maybe we should check your kidneys? Yes, we'll do a dye test on your kidneys. Well, that wasn't it so maybe we should try another CT scan with contrast. Nope, nothing there. Meanwhile my daily chest x-rays are looking worse and worse. I remember telling my nurse "what they are doing just isn't working". Yet each day, I was pushed in my bed down to x-ray, the rows of lights passing and passing as I look up. And the smells of the back halls. The stares from people as I am pushed past. Where's David? And then there he is, sitting holding my hand. My NG tube unplugged. Transferred to the tank of oxygen. Having to maneuver from bed to hard x-ray mat, and requiring the help of three persons to do so with all attached. And still nothing.

I'm finally transferred back to a regular room. I have had two units of someone's blood transfused in my body. My belly has swollen to two times the size of me at 9 months with Eli. I'm still not allowed to drink anything. There are photos that show I held my son - briefly for I stayed in pain - but I have no recollection. I opt for a central-line to be placed in my neck, as the nurses have blown every single vein in both my arms. By far this was the best decision we made during my 25 days.

And then Saturday, June 19th comes along and with it an angel - Nurse Gloria. She comes in that Saturday morning and doesn't say much to me, even though my back is in spasms and I'm begging for something for pain. She tells me "just a minute sweetie". And she goes out to call the surgeon and the OB. The surgeon? He doesn't think he's needed; yet she insists and prevails. The surgeon comes, and she has my chart flagged with all the places he needs to consider. After looking it over, I meet him only to find that in two hours I will have emergency surgery.

It isn't known for a fact and written down for all to see, but I can tell you that Gloria saved my life that day. My surgery took over an hour. What we now know? During my c/s I tore. Pretty bad. Two of my arteries in my uterus were cauterized. Every time they would get one area of bleeding stopped, another would start. I was open for some time during all this, putting me at risk for infection. During that emergency surgery, the surgeon found over a liter of infection between my pelvis and uterus. I had a partial bowel obstruction. My lungs were filling up with nearly 2L of fluid.

I must tell you, I have no known greater fear than that day. When my husband stood by my side with tears in his eyes, I was afraid. I did not think I was strong enough for this surgery. I did not think I would live to see myself open my eyes. My husband was going to have to plan my funeral, my son grow up without a mother. I wanted this whole experience to just be over. I didn't want to do this anymore. I was tired of being poked, prodded. I wanted to go home.

I woke up in ICU on a ventilator the next day. I am told I received two more units of blood (God bless those angels that donated). There is a piece of paper I still have where I wrote to my nurse. This paper includes things like "where is my husband“ I want my husband" and "did they find anything". I would signal for someone to take my mittens off, never opening my eyes. I would write to them and they would answer. I wrote "Happy Father's Day" to David, for that Sunday when I woke up was, indeed, his first Father's Day.

I remember when they took out my ventilator. When my husband came up that day, I took off my oxygen mask and spoke as quickly as I could before the machines beeped that my level was too low. I told him this: "He carried me. David, God carried me" ~ just like in the Footprints poem.

June 23rd I met my son for what I remember as the first time. He did not care that I had a line in my neck or a mask on my face. He did not care that my arms were nothing but bruises, and that I had to have help just to hold him. He did not care that his mommy could only manage to hold him for a few minutes at the time. It did not matter that I had never fed him, or changed him, or that I wasn't there at night to put him to sleep or feed him at 3 AM when he was starving. Nor did it matter that I missed his first sponge bath and his first real bath. It only mattered that I was there. You could see in his eyes that even though I hadn't been there? He knew me. Before I knew him, he knew me. And he loved me.

This, my friends, is my story. This is my defining moment in life. For this experience changed me. I found an inner strength I never knew existed. I found that friends and family and even people I have never met prayed for me and thought of me during that time. I found that my husband is my rock and he was there for me when I could do no more than wish for coke. I found a love inside me bigger than life itself ~ a love for a little boy with a crooked nose that loved me when I was afraid to love him.

I had a hard time dealing with this, my 25 days. There were tears. There was anger. There are still pains and physical scars that may never go away. I still find my heart in my throat when the doors to the postpartum floor open and it takes all that is in me to step off when all I want to do is run. The sight of the x-ray hallway brings a pain to my heart and I feel I may suffocate. I am terrified of being stuck for an IV. I fear being put to sleep for surgery. And we now know that there will be no more babies for my body.

I still have very little memories of things that happened before all this ~ meaning those memories from childhood are sketchy at best and what was high school again? I don't remember much about college or the things I did. I remember very little about dating David, and just a few things about being pregnant.

I'm making new memories, though. David, Eli and I ~ we're having our own firsts. Each day is some little thing - some little moment I treasure. We've moved from cuddling in the big bed to sleep in the big boy bed. We like Elmo, but have a bigger love for the movie Cars. Waffle House grilled cheese and a waffle beat out chicken nuggets any day. And I'm mommy ~ I get the best hugs and mouth sugar. Memories, my friends, which will be there for me when I'm old and have great-grandchildren someday.

What do I hope to teach you be telling you my experience? Well, it's not the lesson of never let Dr. Eikelberry do your c-section.

No ~ what I learned from this experience is this: You are Strong. Yes, you. You possess an inner strength the likes of which are unknown. You have a gift that is so easy to share: your love. Family and friends ~ they are great treasures. Hold them dear, keep them close. Take the time to cuddle up. Those times with friends - with family - they will far outweigh any possession in your hands.

Don't be afraid. There's something out there bigger than all of us ~ I have experienced it first hand. You must have faith and hope, along with your courage. You can count on your friends - family - those you love to be there to help you make it through even the toughest times. God answers prayers. And He's there even in the darkest hours. Never lose hope. Even when it seems like you can't take one more thing, hang on to hope.

And always know that those times you can't take the steps? He'll be there to carry you.

I Heart Faces ~ Birthdays & Pets!

Another fun week over at IHeartFaces! This week theme? Birthdays! How appropriate since it is now June and all we talk about around here is Birthdays and Turning 5 and Parties. We'll be celebrating "officially" next Sunday and the real deal birthday is the 8th, but that hasn't stopped an every day celebration around these parts since Friday of last week! We wear party hats. We buy toys for the gift bags. We blow horns and pine for balloons. My dining room table is the poster child for Cars with the little bits and pieces waiting to be placed lovingly in the prize bags. The photo below is from a mini-celebration we had where we were blowing the birthday horns and wearing a party hat - Eli's favorite parts of birthdays - he was asking for help making them louder. I hate the shadow behind him but love the light hitting his face.

And for our Pets entry? Mr. Snappy! This little turtle has a story all its own - after seeing this turtle roaming the neighborhood, The Boy wanted to name him Turdy but we had to inform him that while Turdy being short for Turtle is a cute name it is also a Not Very Nice name and perhaps we could pick something different? So Mr. Snappy he was! Mr. Snappy walked our streets for the day until our neighbor put him back in the creek behind his house. Eli cried a little but we printed out a few pictures and Eli keeps them in his room now. Be sure to head over to IHeartFaces and check out all the other entries for the week! I'm off to do a bit more celebrating with TheBoy. After all, it's not every day you turn Five Years Old - even if the offical birthday is still six days away!

The Boy.

The Boy, who appears week in and out in my IHeartFaces entries, has his own blog over at MonkeyTales. He'll be turning 5 in a few short days (okay make that ten days but who is counting?) and the day of I know this blog will celebrate that fact. Regardless I will say he is a delight to be around now that he's not a toddler with no language (wink). I was reliving some of the tougher times tonight through this medium known as the internet world and "internet friends" and man was it tought back when The Boy was a 2 year old. But we shant go back to the days of hour-long tantrums. Of time-outs and such. Because now, even though the questions do not cease and at times I still wish to pull out every hair on my head? It's the greatest job I've ever had, this being Eli's Mom.

He keeps me on my toes. Never a dull moment. Like the Turtle he wants to name Turdy and shortens to Turd. Ahem. Said turtle ends up in our driveway again yesterday and there are dreams of old Turd coming to stay. I remind Eli that Turdy isn't The Greatest Name Ever Bestowed and no sooner do I run inside to get my camera lens? He has decided I think I shall call him SNAPPY!

Snappy, by the way, finally found his way home for good to the creek thanks to neighbor Mr Jonathan. Goodbye Mr. Snappy! In true Eli fashion? He is near-tears with a Oh but I will miss you Turdy! I mean Snappy! Which would be why the snapped photo. Which Eli plans to frame. And hang in his room. If he asks for an 11x14 I will lose my mind.

And since we're sharing stories how about the fact that we are still loving All Things Sign since the Transportation Theme of St Luke. And how walking in to WalMart today I get the so what again is de sign that says No Bears Allowed in de neigh-bor-hoods?. I've finally figured out he is referring to this sign

I've since attempted multiple times to convince him that is a Bad Guy and not a Bear. He is not convinced at all and still wants to know why bears would be in our neighborhood. Ahem.

He's the kid that told the entire class that when the signs says 3 and 0 it means you go 30 and if you don't you get a speeding ticket and his daddy didn't do what the sign said and so he got a speeding ticket. He's the love that asks Hey mommy why did God make lizards? Because really nobody even LIKES lizards but everybody loves chickens! He's the child that requests prayer on a Sunday because he doesn't want shots to go to Kindergarten. The one that says I need to wear my tennis shoes because they make me run faster.

He's The Boy.

And even though in the above pictures you can almost see his horns and he is, as my mother is apt to say about photos of myself at this same age, looking a bit Mean As Hell in the photo? We love him bushels, pecks, doodley-doodley-do & dogs named Blue to the moon and back forever and ever. Amen.

I Heart Faces ~ Silhouette

It's a new week over at IHeartFaces and really I have to say this: Oh the angst. If you only knew.

For starters, I cannot for the life of me spell silhouette correctly. Spell check fixes it every.single.time. So I had one strike against me coming in to this challenge in that I couldn't even spell the theme itself!

Add that to the fact that I have been debating with myself, my husband, & my internet friends over my entry and whether or not it even fits the theme and I've found myself in quite a state.

Bottom line? I feel like I'm back in college. I've finished my physics homework. I think I did it right but it's an even numbered problem so the answer isn't in the back of the book so I can't check it. But I'm going to turn it in anyway.

So I give you my Silhouette Entry, one of my most favorite photos in the entire world

And as I hit enter I sit back and wonder maybe I should've found a beach picture of The Boy and his dad instead . . .

But you? You need to not listen to my rambling and instead head over to IHeartFaces and see the many fabulous entries for the week. Gorgeous shots. Are you still here? Head on over there now! And if you haven't posted your entry make sure to do so by Wednesday mkay? I'm off to look at all the other silhouettes myself . . .

I Heart Faces ~ Best Face Forward!

It's a new week over at IHeartFaces - a special week at that! - and I'm very excited to head over and see all the awesome entries that are (like myself!) hoping for a shot at the Blurb Photo Book since we are all putting our Best Face Forward! I'm an amateur in love with taking pictures of The Boy and this one? By far one of my most favorite this year

Please note: I am submitting this photo into the www.iheartfaces.com Blurb Book photo contest. I am granting I ♥ Faces permission to use my photo in a printed version of a book for commercial use and possibly advertising of a photo book on both the Blurb and I ♥ Faces web sites.

Make sure to head on over to IHeartFaces & see the other fabulous entries for the week!

I Heart Faces ~ Laughter!

Another new week at I Heart Faces & this week The Pioneer Woman is the judge! The theme for the week is laughter and I was hard-pressed to find an in-focus image of The Boy (who graduates from PreK tomorrow - where has the time gone?!?) laughing. Who knew it would be so hard to find a picture of laughter! Below is a shot of The Boy goofing off with his cowboy hat laughing up a storm - I only wish I could remember just what was so funny!

Head on over to I Heart Faces to see all the other awesome photos for the week!

Happy Mother's Day

Drawing Mom

Eli drew a sidewalk portrait of me this evening

He thought it wasn't quite complete until he added the sunglasses on the head

The Boy? He's pretty awesome. It rocks being his mom.

I Can't Believe How Much The Concert Ruled.

Had a BLAST at the Garrett Lee, Josh Wilson, Big Daddy Weave concert tonight!

I Heart Faces ~ Hats!

It's a new week over at I Heart Faces and this week we're using a prop! The theme this week? Hats! I dug way back in my archives for this one, settling on this Kid's Entry - The Boy in a Santa Hat Head on over to I Heart Faces and check out the many other cuties wearing hats this week!

Sunny Saturday

National Infertility Awareness Week.

Infertility: not fertile; unproductive; sterile; barren. (Dictionary.com)

Infertility: The act of having your heart broken in to a million pieces. The state of wishing with all your heart for something that is seemingly unreachable. The roller coaster of emotions that span from up to down, a direct result of causes both known and unknown.

It is National Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility is something I've come to know over the past 4.5 years. It is a badge I will apparently wear the rest of my days. I am blessed to have The Boy and he is My Joy and I love him with all my heart. It does not ease the wish and hope that I had to make him what I know he'd be so fabulous at - a big brother.

Infertility is funny - you want to yell at the top of your lungs WHY?!?! You question just why there is a crack baby - the fifth born to a mother who can't take care of the other four she's given birth to - yet you, so waiting with a home full of love cannot have that which your heart so fully desires.

God has a plan. And, yet, we are human. And we sometimes want to Throw Things. And Hit Someone. Because this infertility? Well, quite frankly It Hurts Like Hell.

We can't just "drink the water" - it's not enough for us to "just relax" - all the "yams" in the world wouldn't help. Most of us have been to the specialist. We've tried the interventions. We've been praying our hearts out and are gathering that right now the answer must be no and yet we still hear those sentiments. Well-meaning individuals, but oh how these sentiments just hurt us to our cores sometimes. Please note: I could have an IV on 24-hour drip of that water of which you speak and still I would not get pregnant but thanks for the offer.

Things I know? Some days are easier than others. Most of the time you rejoice over news. And sometimes you smile and wait a bit until you are alone and cry a few tears. And sometimes out of nowhere you are riding down the road, or reading facebook or watching a show and it hits you and you sob for a bit. That's infertility.

Sometimes you truck along just fine and other times the glue that is holding your heart together cracks a bit. You see, you tell yourself you are fine - and most of the time you are! you really, truly are! - but then other times something happens and your heart shatters into another million pieces and you have to piece it back together again. That's infertility.

Here is the bottom line about infertility and me: I Mourn The Child I Will Never Have.

It is odd, this mourning. There is no funeral. No cause for flowers. You don't send cards, bring food. No date to recognize each year. But the grief? The grief is still there. It gets easier with time - but it is Grief plain and simple. And grief? It can sneak up on you sometimes.

Infertility can affect anyone. I had a long talk with myself about this just recently - specifically What Is Infertility. I chatted internally with myself and realized it doesn't hurt any less for the person that has Never had a child that wants one with all her heart - or someone like myself that feels like the Second Chance I will never have has been "robbed" - or someone that has three, four and longs for a fifth.

It doesn't hurt any less this desire of our heart. For the dream we feel lost, for that dream we are grieving.

We long for - we dream - we hope with all our heart. And then month after month this dream seems to slip a little more out of our grip. That? That is infertility.

Remember us this week. Remember the many women trying for their first child, dreaming of holding their own baby in their arms. Remember those that have had miscarriages and dream of carrying a baby to term. Remember those that are wanting to add to their family, that dream of making their sweethearts Big Brothers or Big Sisters. Remember us.

I'm praying - today, this week, and always.

I Heart Faces ~ Reflection

ETA: Ack! I'm in the Top 10! Insert Great Big Huge Smile HERE! My Kid's Entry was actually a reshoot of a picture I took of my son about a year ago (when he was much younger and a wee bit more cooperative) but said photo was lost forever when our previous laptop woke up with the Blue Screen of Death. A very tricky shot but I was super pleased with how it turned out. Bonus points for you if you can tell me if there is an actual name for that drain thing other than, well, drain thing. I digress. Thank you all so much! I'm off to do a cartwheel and squeal because this has so made my weekend :)

Yet another week of photography fun @ I Heart Faces ~ this week with the challenging theme of Reflection.

For the Kid's Entry I went with an old stand-by - Eli in the tub, shot through the drain-thing (what's that piece called anyway?!).
And for my Adult Entry I went with another Self-Portrait, minus the green eyes this time. Head on over to the I Heart Faces blog and check out all the other cool Reflections from this week!

The Boy.